Dear Friends and Colleagues,
I will begin by engaging you in a little experiment
designed by the late Charles Schultz, cartoonist and
storyteller extraordinaire, most known by his Charlie
Brown series. Make yourself comfortable, and give this a
whirl:
Name the five wealthiest people in the world.
Name at least five Heisman trophy winners.
Name the last five winners of the Miss Universe
contest.
Name ten people who have won the Nobel or Pulitzer
Prize.
Name the last half dozen Academy Award winners for
Best Actor/Actress.
Name the last decade’s worth of World Series winners.
If you are like me, you found yourself stumped and
thinking, “I don’t know, and with the exception of the
Nobel and Pulitzer Prize winners, I don’t really care
that I don’t know!” Schultz’s point is that none of us
remember the headliners of yesterday. Some of these
people were considered the best in their fields, but the
applause dies, awards tarnish and achievements are soon
forgotten. Clearly we live in a culture that worships
celebrity and places great value on “superstardom”, who
is in and who is out of the proverbial winner’s circle.
The truth, however, is that within our individual lives,
we value a different kind of stardom and celebrate
individuals whose names and faces will never fail us –
even those we have not seen nor heard mention of in what
seems a lifetime ago. To test this for yourself, take
the second part of Schultz’s quiz:
- List five teachers who made an important impression
on you.
- Think of three people who have helped you through a
difficult time.
- List ten people who have made you feel appreciated
and special.
- Think of five people who you enjoy spending time
with.
- Name half a dozen heroes whose stories have
inspired you.
Allow me to add to his list:
- Think of someone whose story made you look at your
own life differently.
- Think of someone who inspired you to take a risk
you are glad you took.
- Think of five people whose work has affected your
own in a meaningful way.
- Name ten people who have taught you important life
lessons.
- Think of a person who championed a cause for you in
or outside the workplace.
- Think of five people who helped you believe in your
own potential.
- Think of someone who helped you to face and
overcome a personal weakness.
- Think of someone who was brave enough to be
brutally honest with you at a time when you needed to
hear the truth.
- Think of someone who paid you a compliment you will
never forget.
- Think of someone in whose presence you feel most
confident.
- Name three people who love singing your praises!
I can only imagine that these prompts ignited for you
what they did for me - an elaborate slide show of names
and faces reflecting a rich and colorful life filled
with the contribution from and relationship with many
individuals – some of whom you may not have thought of
in a very long time.
Among the cast of characters who have influenced or
guided me at various points of my life include my first
grade teacher, Sister Ann Marita, who announced in front
of the class that I had successfully overcome my
difficulty learning the letters with the squiggly
bottoms (f, g, j, y, p, q), my Aunt Anna whose
dedication to ending elder homelessness fueled my desire
to make a difference in the world, and an elderly
neighbor with whom I shared years of animated
conversation and ongoing nourishment from her well of
deep and gentle wisdom. Among those who have fed me in
ways spiritual, intellectual, professional and/or
personal I see friends, classmates, a teacher’s
assistant, a fellow waitress, a checker at the grocery
store, a wise taxi driver, a community leader, a
minister, a workshop facilitator, fellow members of a
support group, my mother-in-law, brothers and sisters,
my father, my step-mom, my daughter, my life partner,
and the faces of many refugees I had the privilege to
serve in my early days as a job developer. Surely your
entourage of supportive community is as vibrant and
diverse as mine.
Webster’s dictionary describes “mentor” as “someone
who serves as a trusted guide, tutor or coach.” By that
definition, all of the people I mention above were
indeed mentors, just not in the traditional sense. In a
subsequent issue of this newsletter I will discuss the
idea of professional mentorship and share ideas on how
we can develop mentoring opportunities for career
purposes. What I am referring to here, however, is what
I would consider “everyday mentorship” – the kind of
influence or guidance that can happen in a glance,
through a handshake, in a conversation with a stranger
on a bus, or in the way we learn to listen deeply to the
people with whom we share an office, a neighborhood, a
friendship, Thanksgiving dinner or the daily evening
meal.
Clearly the people who make a difference in our lives
are not those with the most credentials, the ones who
make the most money or have the most awards. They are
the ones who care, the ones who listen, and the ones
that view us through generous and loving eyes. The
people who become our most powerful mentors are those
who see the best in us – who mine the gold in our hills
by believing that it is there and, through the power of
insistent knowing, bring us to believe it for ourselves.
In my book “The Wholehearted Journey” I share the
story of the king whose son walked with a humped back.
The king commissioned experts of every kind to help his
son to stand straighter. They tried every kind of
therapeutic and psychoanalytic treatment, herbal and
medicinal remedies, physical therapy and massage known
to the kingdom, but alas, none of their suggestions
worked. That is until the day a wise woman passing
through the village saw the boy playing in the town
square. She petitioned to see the king and shared the
following suggestion: Build a statue of the exact
likeness of the boy with a perfectly straight back and
place it in the middle of the square where he plays each
day. Figuring he had nothing to lose, the king
commissioned the building of the statue. Time passed and
each day the boy looked upon the statue of himself with
a straight back, and each day, he stood just a little
bit taller himself. Not even a full summer had gone by
when the boy himself stood as straight as his own
statue.
No one would discount the power of belief in oneself
as elemental in being able to achieve one’s truest
potential. But we are all like that boy in the story,
just slumped over in different ways - perhaps in
creativity, in confidence, in a lack of assertiveness,
or in our vision of life’s possibilities. And while we
do not have wealthy benefactors commissioning the
building of a statue of us in our brightest light, that
same power to reflect one another’s beauty and potential
exists in our everyday communicating with one another.
This is a gift we can readily give and receive each day
living in community with others.
My friend Sheri, to whom I dedicate the writing of
this month’s issue, served that purpose in my life. From
the first time we met, Sheri saw me in a bigger and
brighter light than I had ever seen myself. Her belief
in me and my potential was so strong that in her
presence, I could actually feel myself growing - growing
in heart, in confidence, and in power. Her expectations
of me and what I could achieve were nothing less than
fantastic. As I wrote in “The Wholehearted Journey”:
“It is fitting that my sitting here now, writing this
book, is in part due to Sheri’s prompting to follow my
dream, to respond to my gifts with unadulterated
confidence and joy. Everyone needs a Sheri in their
life, someone who holds up a statue of you with a
straight back and a broad smile. Everyone needs that
guardian angel sans wings. Likewise, each of us should
serve that purpose for someone else.”
It pains me to think of the individuals I have met
throughout my career who have not had the benefit of
ongoing mentorship through rich and affirming
relationships, much less the good fortune of a single
Sheri. In fact, there are many who have received quite
the opposite kind of input and whose self-images have
been diminished by the reflections of other people.
While we do not have the power to undo what has been
done or said in a person’s past, we can take great heart
in knowing that we have tremendous power to speak new
messages and reflect more positive images in a person’s
present life!
The reading of “Lanterns: A Memoir of Mentors” by
Marian Wright Edelman, (this month’s Suggested Reading)
inspired to me to consider the people who have most
shaped my life. Entries into my daily journal consisted
of new questions with regard to my informal and everyday
mentors. I invite you to think again about the people
who came to mind in the list of prompts above, and
respond to some of the questions that arose for me.
(1) How much of the most meaningful guidance and
support you have received in your life took place in
casual, everyday contexts without anyone being
necessarily conscious of the power that conversation or
relationship would have over time?
(2) In thinking about some of those moments or
periods of your life when someone touched or influenced
you in a profound way, what made you teachable or open
enough for that person to have such an influence?
(3) In thinking about the various lessons you learned
from the people that came to mind from the prompts
above, to what extent have those experiences shaped you,
your values, and your choices?
(4) How many of the people that came to mind are
aware of the impact they had on your life? Is there
still an opportunity to communicate your appreciation,
(and if not to them, perhaps to family members who
survived them?)
(5) How many other people’s lives could you be
affecting in ways in which you never dreamed? What if we
were to interact with people throughout the day assuming
that no interaction is ever neutral – that we are always
communicating something to the person with whom we are
interacting?
(6) In thinking about the people who championed a
cause for you or who saw something in you that you had
never seen before, what it would be like to consciously
serve that purpose for other people in an intentional
way? How much richer would our lives be if our daily
intentions included that of sowing seeds of affirmation
and encouragement for the people around us, not just in
a professional mode but in our everyday personal
relationships?
(7) And finally, what if we were to deliberately keep
the gate open for new mentors and teachers to enter our
lives? Whether they show up as our children, the next
client or customer, or the person who moves in the
upstairs apartment – what if we were to enter
relationships and even our informal communications with
the expectancy of learning something new or seeing
something (including ourselves) in a fresh way?
I wonder how many opportunities I have missed in my
life to water someone else’s garden because I was too
busy watering my own. How often have I been unaware of
individuals around me who needed that extra boost of
confidence or affirmation? Everyday mentorship is a
profound but easy gift to give. It is a lovely offshoot
that with the intention of sowing those seeds, we cannot
help but reap the harvest. When we see someone sparkle
in response to a compliment, or smile with surprise at
having been appreciated for something seemingly small,
we know we have been commissioned by the king! This, my
friends, is the holy ground that we are asked to walk
day by day and person to person. As we affirm one
another, we not only stand a little straighter, we sing
with stronger voices, and yes, there is more light
shining from our eyes!
In honor of this gift we all give and receive,
- Denise
© Denise Bissonnette, March 2004
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