Dear Friends and Colleagues,
Happy February!
I want to begin by thanking the many readers who
responded to last month’s issue on “Making Self-Care a
Priority”. It seems that while many of us have been ready,
(in fact more than ready) to take up the mantle of
self-care, what we have waited for was permission to do it
in a serious way without having to feel guilty about it.
Self-care does not rate high as a value in our culture, so
we must value it for ourselves, knowing that who we are and
what we are able to give in the world is in direct
proportion to the health and vitality of our inner
landscape. The permission we give ourselves in making
self-care a priority is not some kind of superfluous
self-indulgence, but a commitment to be the keeper of our
own flames, the light by which we would illumine our every
word and deed. I applaud and congratulate all of my readers
who are discovering new ways to tend that holy inner fire,
be it through small gestures of self-kindness or sweeping
strokes of self–renewal.
Last month I wrote about five roles of self-care: a
trusted friend, the resource manager, the guardian at the
gate, the keeper of the flame, and a loyal apprentice to the
self. (See the link to last month’s newsletter at the end of
this article.) In continuing to ponder these roles through
the last month, I realized that there is yet another role
which I would add to that list which I alluded to in the
last article but did not fully expound upon. It was lying at
the heart of Voltaire’s counsel which I shared early in the
article, “We must cultivate our gardens!”
What Voltaire is speaking to here is the enormous power
and responsibility each of us has to not simply live a life
untended, but to cultivate through care, consciousness and
careful choices what we have grown in the precious soil of
our experience. This perspective assumes that we are never
finished, that our lives are living, breathing things whose
growth can be left to the whims of chance or shaped by
conscious choice. “Cultivation of one’s life” requires
self-knowing, self-acceptance and patience. It also requires
attention, discipline and devotion. What one is devoted to
here, however, is not simply to the preservation and
maintenance of one’s life, but to its continual growth,
development and maturation. This means not only being open
to change, but welcoming it as part and parcel of one’s own
culmination and fruition, a necessary ingredient in the
miracle of our own blossoming.
The analogy of treating a human life as one would tend a
garden works well in that, among other things, our lives are
in process, experience seasons, and will grow what it is
planted in them. A great difference, however, as author and
poet David Whyte reminds us, is that unlike the garden,
“human beings are the one part of creation who get to decide
if and when they will cooperate with their own blossoming.”
When we were born, the cutting of the umbilical cord was our
life-long permission to be ourselves. Clearly we are pulled
and prompted by our essential nature, but still, we have the
final say in all matters of our growth and fruition. Our
lives require our cooperation and permission in order to
grow mentally, emotionally, spiritually, physically –
including in matters of the intellect, creativity,
relationships, health and fitness, emotional well-being, and
the vocational journey. A precondition to our willingness to
grow in any of these areas, of course, seems to be a se nse
of security and safety in the face of possible risk that
growth may bring.
I do believe that in the core of each of us is a seeking
and longing to do, be and experience something beyond what
we already know. That longing is an essential part of our
flowering. Paradoxically, what also lies at our core is the
deep need to be safe and sound and remain comfortable at all
costs. Thus ensues the relentless inner conflict we know so
well – Do I stay or do I go? Should I settle for boundaries
or stretch toward a new horizon? Am I fine enough where I am
now or is it time to try my wings in a new sky? Do I allow
myself the comfortable innocence of my current life, even if
only partially lived, or shall I risk my comfort in exchange
for a life lived at full tilt?
This is the sixth aspect of self-care I wish to suggest –
the part of ourselves that is responsible for our own
growth, for our own stretching towards new horizons, for
going out on the limb and being willing to risk heart, mind
or body for what we know is worth the price of our
blossoming. How do we awaken from the drugged sleep of
complacency and the stagnation of our own comfort in order
to be true to the essential part of our organic pattern that
would have us continue to grow and learn in new ways,
culminating in our unique flowering over a lifetime? Here
are a few suggestions:
1. Recognize the crossroad and its threshold.
We are at all times and in all aspects of our lives
standing at a crossroads of what is and what can be, at the
path of what we have been and who we are still to become.
Each crossroad, if considered carefully, is a threshold of
some kind, an entry point to some fresh aspect of living.
Each threshold, if understood, may reflect an as of yet
unfulfilled desire to change our focus, our purpose, and
what we want to pursue. Then again, the contemplation of any
threshold point may encourage us to stay the course, to
continue on the path we have been traveling, but with
renewed hope and conviction.
Every friendship, marriage and relationship is always at
a threshold in which new choices of being and relating can
be made. At every stage of our livelihood and in every
position of employment, we are at a threshold, inviting new
ways of being and working in the world. At every stage of
our physical being and in our aging process we are at a
threshold, giving rise to new questions regarding our health
and well-being.
Contemplating the various crossroads of our lives at any
one time is a way of reminding ourselves that we can chart
our own course rather than live as if our lives have been
mapped out for us. Acknowledging that we are at a crossroad
gives us new eyes with which to see the paths ahead and
lends us fresh energy with which to choose direction and
proceed through the various intersections and thresholds
which life presents us.
2. Consider the stretching choice.
At each crossroad, in every part of our lives, we need to
make a choice to keep doing what we are doing, to stop doing
something that we are doing, or to start doing what will
work and move us further and deeper into that part of the
journey. In considering our options we will find that there
are choices that protect us, choices that satisfy us, and
choices that stretch us. Only we can know in the privacy of
our own hearts which direction challenges, grows or
terrifies us.
The safe choice always looks appealing because it will
preserve the status quo and not require us to change. While
this option is self-protective, it is not necessarily the
choice that satisfies in a meaningful way. (For example, the
decision to stay in a job or a relationship that isn’t
working may be the safe route for the security it brings,
but it may not be the choice that brings joy, freedom or
relief from a difficult situation.) Even so, we need to make
room in our lives for the safe choice knowing that perhaps
we just aren’t yet ripe for growth. In the same way we would
not want to force the rosebud to open before its time, we
needn’t force our own growth before its organic timing.
The satisfying choice is the one that will makes us feel
good and be most pleasing or gratifying in some way. It is
nothing less than lovely when such an option lies before us
and we are in a position to go for what we know will feel
great. This is the easy choice in that it is the one that
will feel most comfortable. This is the self-preserving
choice in which we maintain and affirm what we already know
to be pleasing.
Then, there is the stretching choice, the one that evokes
some kind of change that will be self-expansive or
self-enriching. It doesn’t always look immediately
gratifying and it rarely seems “safe”. This is the choice
for transformation. This is the option to go out on a limb
and try the fruit that has not yet been tasted. It is on
this choice that our growth depends.
I believe that at all times there are dimensions of our
lives in which we need to be playing it safe or simply
satisfying our current needs and desires. I suggest,
however, that at all times there is some aspect of our lives
which could be enhanced or enriched by a stretching choice.
It is in making the stretching choice that we heed the
advice of Voltaire and play the role of cultivators of our
own garden.
3. Ask the stretching questions.
As we contemplate our options at each crossroad of our
lives, the question of our basic security and safety will
always arise as will the question of our satisfaction. As
devoted cultivators of our own lives, however, we need to
ask the stretching questions which might include:
What would constitute “a stretch” for me in this part of
my life right now?
What am I ready to do, be, have, or experience at this
time?
What do I wish to master or fine tune in myself?
What am I ripe for learning?
In what direction do I choose to extend myself?
What am I growing towards?
To what extent do I care to consciously shape and reshape
the clay of my life?
What dream remains for me to fulfill?
What would it mean to risk with my heart?
What does going out on limb mean for me right now?
What commitment am I willing to take and what price am I
willing to pay?
If I only had a few more years to live, what would I
regret most not having done?
4. Consider what “a stretch” would mean in each area of
your life.
Depending on our unique circumstances, relationships and
personalities, what qualifies as a “stretch” is different
for each person and in each aspect of our lives. Here are
some examples to prime the pump as you consider what would
be a stretch for you in each of these areas:
Stretching Vocationally/Professionally
(Going on informational interviews with people in fields
or organizations of interest to you; pursuing mentorship
opportunities; taking on a new function at work;
participating in a new project; sharing a skill, interest or
knowledge with your co-workers; asserting yourself to bring
a needed change to your workplace; giving time as a
volunteer in a place you would love to work; developing an
employment proposal reflecting your truest work desires to
your current or a prospective employer, etc.)
Stretching Emotionally/Relationally
(Setting personal boundaries with a loved one; speaking
up for yourself in a difficult relationship; offering or
asking for forgiveness; telling the truth about something;
committing or re-committing to a relationship; confronting
rather than avoiding a difficult situation; making a new
friend; inviting the one you love to expand or enrich the
relationship in some way; asking a courageous question;
looking up an old friend or reconnecting with a family
member; pursuing counseling or therapy, etc.)
Stretching Physically/Athletically
(Training for a marathon; walking or riding your bike to
work; taking up a martial art; committing to a regular
workout or amplifying your current one; taking dance, yoga
or a Pilates class; trying out a new sport or picking up on
an old one; going on a fast or a process of detoxification;
signing up for stress reduction course; joining a gym or a
health club; going into recovery from a drug or alcohol
problem, etc.)
Stretching Creatively/Artistically
(Finding a way to share your music, artwork, or writing
with other people; taking a class in pottery, stained glass,
watercolor, jewelry-making, or creative writing; holding a
chili cook-off, a poetry reading, or a slideshow of your
photos; learning to play a musical instrument; making
someone a special gift; entering a contest within your
creative realm; starting up a side business selling your
wreathes, quilts or creative website design, etc.)
Stretching Mentally/Intellectually
(Attending a class at your local community college;
learning a new language; joining a book club; becoming a
hospice volunteer; teaching someone to read; participating
in a community project outside your ordinary realm of
knowledge or expertise; traveling to a place you have never
been; teaching a course on a subject you love, etc.)
Stretching Spiritually/Personally
(Taking self-care more seriously by committing to a daily
practice of self-nurturance; making time for prayer,
meditation or quiet contemplation; changing or renewing your
spiritual practice in a way that enlivens it; attending a
service of a church or temple other than your own; keeping a
gratitude journal; joining a prayer or meditation group;
going a vision quest; attending a spiritual or personal
seminar, workshop or retreat; taking on a new role at your
place of worship; or volunteering at a favorite community
organization, etc.)
5. Don’t wait for the timing to be right; trust yourself.
By definition there is a cost to stretching, a risk that
we must be take, or we wouldn’t call it a stretch. Every
time we ask ourselves to make any kind of change we must
discern whether to respond with caution and hold back, or to
meet the challenge with courage and venture forward. This is
one of the most difficult aspects of being blessed with free
will – the onus is on us to make difficult choices into a
future that by its very nature unknown.
Our ordinary response is to hedge our bets – to wait
until the timing is perfect, the money is in the bank, and
the stars are in their proper alignment. (How often have we
heard from the job seeker, “I’m just waiting for the right
job.”) What we know, however, from experience, is what
business writer Peter Block summarizes so beautifully: “For
anything that really matters, the timing is never quite
right, the resources are always a little short, and the
people who affect the outcome are always ambivalent. These
conditions are proof that if we say ‘Yes’, it was our own
doing and it is important enough for us to do. What a gift!”
Calling the precarious nature of all risk-taking “a gift”
may in itself seem a stretch, but I think Block is on to
something. It is the gift of self-trust. Postponing our own
growth or avoiding a necessary change reflects a lack of
faith in ourselves. The pursuit of certainty over the
pursuit of passion is our caution speaking. To a great
extent, our willingness to take risks is in direct
proportion to our proclivity to trust ourselves. When we
move out on faith in ourselves we sow the seeds of
self-trust, the field wherein our greatest possibilities
lie. If we wait for the timing to be right and for the
conditions for change to be perfect, we could wait a very
long time, perhaps missing the “growing season” of a
particular pursuit.
But how do we know when to proceed with caution or when
to step out on courage? How do we know when to make the safe
choice, the satisfying choice, or the stretching choice? Let
us start by heeding the advice of Elisabeth Kubler-Ross:
“How do geese know when to fly to the sun? Who tells them
the seasons? How do we, humans, know it is time to move on?
As with the migrant birds, so surely with us, there is a
voice within, if only we would listen to it, that tells us
so certainly when to go forth, into the unknown.”
What soothing, encouraging words – that we too have a
honing device that prompts, pushes or pulls us towards
growth and the natural migration of our being. How do we
provide the calm and clarity that allows for communion with
ourselves so that we can ask the stretching questions and
listen deeply for the answers? When we hear that call, when
we feel the warmth of the sun drawing us towards the light,
how do we surrender to that sacred leaning? I say, wait not,
for in the grand scheme of things, our lives are but a blink
of an eye and tomorrow is not promised.
In the small corner of the world that each of us
occupies, may we prune, ponder, choose, stretch, grow…and
with much humility and grace as we can muster, may we
evolve…
- Denise
© Denise Bissonnette, February 2005 (If not used for
commercial purposes, this article may be reproduced, all or
in part, providing it is credited to "Denise Bissonnette,
Diversity World - www.diversityworld.com." If included in a
newsletter or other publication, we would appreciate
receiving a copy.)
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