 The
Gift of Deep Listening
Happy New Year! Here’s to welcoming 2007
as fresh ground for the seeds of our dreams – may we
plant those dreams with care, faith, and great joy!
The last two issues of this newsletter
contained fourteen tips for practicing cross-cultural
skills in everyday communications. If you missed those
issues,
find them here. The one skill that I did not discuss in
full is “deep listening” – the practice I consider to be by
far and away the most important when attempting to
cultivate clear, conscious and compassionate
communications. After all, if we aren’t really
listening, the other fourteen tips don’t matter much
anyway!
I wrote an article on Deep Listening for
this newsletter in the October issue of 2004. My readership has
greatly increased since that time, so for many of you,
this will be a new article. For those who read it in
2004, however, I urge you to read it again. I can say
for myself that revisiting the suggestions herein was
both helpful and important.
May I suggest as we enter this new year
that we recommit to offering the gift of our undivided
attention to those who are lonely, those who feel
misunderstood, and those whose lives are not full of the
companionship and love that many of us are privileged to
enjoy. To our loved ones, let’s make a gift of deep
listening that will both surprise and delight them,
perhaps surprising and delighting ourselves as a result
of what we learn in the process.
With warm wishes for peace in the new
year – peace in our hearts, peace in our homes, and
peace in our world,
~ Denise
Read Denise's
previous (November 2006) newsletter...
The Gift of Deep Listening
Dear Friends and Colleagues,
Think about the
last time someone listened to you “deeply” – not just
skimming the surface of your words, but with a
willingness to dive into your meaning. What was it like
to be on the receiving end of someone’s single-pointed
attention, listening not with the intent to “reply”, but
with a posture of communicating heart to heart, mind to
mind, spirit to spirit?
If we take a
moment to think about it, among the most precious
moments in our lives are those when we have felt
ourselves to be most deeply understood by another human
being. It is only from that place that we are able to
express our vulnerabilities, our fears, our doubts and
our triumphs. Being listened to is a fundamental human
need, a basic nutrient in our psychological and
emotional well-being. Yet, as Ralph Waldo Emerson
observed, not only is being listened to a rare
experience, “It is”, he said, “no less than a luxury to
be understood.” We know of what he speaks. But as we nod
in agreement with this sad assertion, are we willing to
accept that this is a “luxury” we can readily afford to
other people? Perhaps the gift of presence, of our
undivided attention, is the most under-used of human
resources, one of the least costly, one of the most
freely available, and one of the most powerfully
beneficial gifts we have to share in human community.
Unfortunately,
deep listening also happens to be one of the most
difficult things we have to give. Not because we are
uninformed about “how” to listen – after all, haven’t we
all heard the basic principles of effective listening
espoused a thousand times in a thousand different ways:
seek first to understand, then to be understood; listen
not just to the words, but to everything being
expressed; listen for the feelings behind the facts;
prevent misunderstanding by clarifying what you have
heard; demonstrate that you are listening by using
“active listening techniques”, etc. etc., etc.
So, if we already
“know how to listen”, why is it so difficult to put into
practice? Here are a few ideas for becoming more
conscious of the challenges of deep listening, the
rewards that come when we achieve it, and the gift that
deep listening returns to both parties who exchange it.
1. Approach
deep listening as more than a skill; it is a stance, a
posture and an attitude!
Our usual
listening mode is on the surface of conversation. We
listen for the facts – times, places, prices, colors,
sizes, etc. The truth, thank heavens, is that surface
listening suffices for most of our daily interaction in
the world. In surface listening we need not engage in an
emotional or intellectual level – we needn’t go below
the surface of the words we hear. We get to stay in the
comfort of our heads, in the security of our own little
worlds where we already know everything. Surface
listening requires little of our presence other than
physical proximity to hear, read or see what is being
communicated.
Deep listening is
180 degrees from our normal, mindless, ordinary way of
listening. It means to listen with your whole being …
not just for words, but for feelings being expressed.
This requires us to be fully present. Deep listening
happens from a place inside us … it is a stance, a
posture and an attitude. Deep listening requires us to
enter into an interaction not knowing how it will
unfold. It requires a willingness to not know what will
be said, what you will learn, or who we will be on the
other side of this interaction. It means sensing the
newness (at times awkwardness) of the moment.
In deep listening
we have to trade in our “know-it-all, heard-it-all, been
there-done that, got-the-T-shirt” pretense for a posture
of vulnerability and humility. In order to listen from
this posture of “not knowing” we must be willing to be
completely stumped – utterly baffled – totally
heartbroken, or simply mesmerized. It is a willingness
to be lost and allowing the other person to help you
find your way to their meaning.
“Active listening
techniques” tell us what to do with our hands, eyes, and
physical posture as we listen – what is much harder to
teach is how to find that place within us, that inner
posture that allows us to listen from the very bones and
marrow of our being. In short, deep listening is
extremely challenging because it requires the qualities
that run in short supply in our fast-paced,
over-confident culture - humility, vulnerability,
innocence, and a willingness to learn and change.
2. Know there
are good reasons why we find even “surface listening” a
challenge!
Listening
involves our ability to put together three kinds of
information: content (the words being spoken), verbal
(how they are being spoken), and non-verbal (what the
rest of the body is communicating). It is estimated that
only 7% of a message is formed by the actual words we
choose, 38% of the message comes from how they are said
- intonation, pitch, pausing and volume, and 55% comes
from non-verbal gestures like facial and body gestures,
posture and eye contact.
Here’s the
problem: we can think four times faster than we can
speak. In normal interpersonal conversation people
usually speak at the rate of 150-250 words per minute.
However, the average person can comprehend approximately
500 words per minute. This leaves us with 2 to 3 fold
the mental time we need to comprehend the message. What
do we do in that time lag? Our minds will naturally
wander in the dead space unless we consciously focus
(and re-focus) our attention.
To make matters
worse, linguists tell us that the normal untrained
listener will retain only 50% of a conversation within
the first 24 hours of the interaction and 48 hours later
will only remember 25% of what was said. While this may
not surprise us, what should deeply disturb us is that
fact that we are all remembering different parts of the
same conversation! I wish I could remember who said
this, but one of my favorite quotes is, “One of the most
dangerous aspects of communication is the illusion that
it actually took place!”
3. Be
conscious of how all human interactions are
context-bound!
Our capacity to
listen deeply is affected by many things including our
physical and mental energy, emotions and mood at the
time. Our personal preferences, interests, opinions,
needs, and values together form a “listening filter” of
their own. Add to the mix the intentions, expectations,
and pressures that are part and parcel of the context in
which the listening is taking place. For example, our
ability to listening deeply to someone speaking about
their desire to quit a job will vary drastically
depending on whether we are that person’s boss, job
developer, co-worker, spouse, personal friend or
roommate to whom money is owed. It will also make a
difference if we are hearing about it as we are headed
out the door for a meeting or while on a leisurely
stroll, if we have slept or not slept the night before,
and by personal experiences we have had in our lives in
and around quitting a job. Clearly the stage upon which
our human relating is being played out is complex, multi-layered and multi-faceted. Obviously, developing the
capacity for deep listening given the many realities of
our day-to-day existence is not for the faint of heart.
4. Cultivate the fierce discipline of self-awareness
required in deep listening.
Deep listening
requires us to tune out of the station of our mind which
is always stating an opinion, jumping to a conclusion,
or readying a response as the other person is speaking.
This is anything but easy and it is anything but
natural. We can’t listen and talk at the same time and
it is hard to turn the voice off in our heads that wants
constant air time! We find it hard to listen because we
keep getting in the way of what we hear. It’s like
trying to have an adult conversation with a
three-year-old at your side vying for your attention –
but we are the three-year-old providing the distraction!
So how do we get
out of our own way… not allowing our thoughts and inner
dialogue to derail our attention? There are many in the
literature on listening who will espouse the virtues of
“remaining neutral” and “using empathy” – seeing through
another’s eyes. While these are great aims to aspire to,
I think it is a myth that we can remain “neutral” in any
situation because we don’t enter any interaction with a
blank slate. I also don’t think that “seeing through
another’s eyes” is any more possible than breathing
their next breath or swallowing their food. There is
just too much that we can never know about the
experience of another person for us to really believe
that we can fully feel something from their perspective.
Ironically, acknowledging what we do not and can not
know about the other’s experience is a great first step
in attempting empathy.
Rather than
attempting to avoid the constant chatter of our
opinions, what if we were to attend to them by noticing
their presence, and then consciously setting them aside?
Perhaps we can lessen the affects of our “listening
filter” by being vigilant in our awareness of it and
hearing through our own opinions and judgments. We
probably can’t stop the intrusion of our thoughts,
biases and opinions, but by being aware of them we can
neutralize their affect by not giving them center stage.
5. Notice
“who” is doing listening and the intent behind it.
The question that
may be most helpful in our attempt to listen deeply, is
to ask ourselves “who” it is that is doing the
listening. Are we listening as a parent, judge, or boss
– evaluating what is being said so that we can lend a
voice of authority to the situation? Are we listening as
the case manager or counselor who intends to lead or
guide the person down a certain path due to what we (or
the system) thinks is best? Are we listening as the
helper or the supporter who just really wants to make
the other person feel good about what they are saying?
Are we being there to solve a problem, investigate,
convince, persuade, inspire, transform, inform,
commiserate, sympathize, or invoke the other person to
somehow get a life?
Notice, that in
all of the examples above, we are listening with a
particular intent to reply, and in doing so, we are
primarily listening to ourselves the entire time! Even
in a genuine desire to be of help, we typically allow
the analytic mind to stay on top of it all, overriding
the stance of the unknowing but open-hearted stance from
which we can be the most help. In our zeal to be of
help, we may lessen our ability to listening deeply
enough for the other person to be heard and for us to
learn something we did not already know.
I am not
suggesting that these various roles are not helpful or
effective in context. After all, sometimes we seek
counsel from a person whose perspective we respect and
other times we pay people to evaluate our situation from
a particular point of view. There are also occasions
when all we want is pure unadulterated support. The
point is, wouldn’t our communications be better served
if the intent with which we are listening matched the
needs of the person who is speaking to us? What if we
were to ask something like; “How do you want me to be
listening right now? Do you want my opinion, some
advice, or clarification? ‘Who’ do you want doing the
listening right now?”
6. Beware of
how we habitually tune people out!
I once asked a
group of workshop participants to make a list of
annoying behaviors people exhibit when they know they
are not really being listened to and it included: they
do all the talking; they interrupt while I am speaking;
they make me feel like I’m wasting their time; they
appear preoccupied by looking away; they stay on the
surface of the conversation or problem; they attempt to
put words into my mouth; they keep rephrasing what I am
saying to suit their own purposes; they answer my
questions with other questions; they play the brick wall
and mentally block out my words; they pretend to listen
to me by nodding their heads and saying, “Uh-huh,
Uh-huh”, not really hearing what I have to say.
As I discuss in
my training on, “30 Ways to Shine as a New Employee”, we
all use these annoying tune-out behaviors some of the
time, we just employ different behaviors with different
people, even when we are not aware we are doing it! Who
do you play the brick wall with, knowing that there is
no need to really listen, because you are already
convinced of what is going to come out of their mouth?
Who do you just “pretend” with because there is no use
wasting your time in trying to swing their vote another
way? Who sets you to daydreaming because, well, they are
always so generous with details!
We need to
remember that when we dismiss a person’s words, they can
feel dismissed as a person. That may not be our intent,
but it can easily be the result of our ordinary surface
listening.
7. As with any
precious resource, dispense the gift of deep listening
discriminately.
Deep listening
can take an enormous amount of time and energy – some of
our most precious resources. In the same way that we do
not feel obliged to give money to anyone and everyone
who asks for it, we need not feel obliged to invest our
listening resources on anyone and everyone who asks for
them. We’ve all had people in our lives who continually
bend our ear, oblivious to whether or not it is the
right time or place for us to be having the
conversation. We have also had people talk to us about
the same thing they have been talking about since we can
remember – the carousel conversation that just goes
round and round and round. Or how about the person who
wants to talk about something that you find
inappropriate or makes you feel uncomfortable?
The plain and
simple truth is that there are times we cannot and do
not want to be in the position of listening deeply! Deep
listening is a gift that can only be given from a
generous and responsive place within us. To expect
ourselves to go there at any time, at any place, and for
anyone, is to disrespect the gift. We have to be honest
with ourselves and other people in order to honor and
preserve the place from which this comes. We have to
muster the courage to use and become comfortable with
statements like: “I’m sorry, this is not a good time for
me to talk”, or, “I know that this is a really
tough situation for you. I am afraid that after all the
times we have spent discussing this, I have not been
successful at helping you resolve it. I don’t think I
can help you with this one.”
When you feel
that you are in a dead-end conversation, it may be
helpful to ask questions that serve as a door, inviting
people into a different room – a different
conversational style. For example, “Would it be helpful
to you if I asked you some questions?” Or, “Would you
like me to share my perspective with you?” Recently
while in the midst of sharing a painful situation with a
dear friend, she astounded me with the simplest of
questions, “Denise, what do you need from me right now?”
It was a beautiful moment of feeling both deeply heard
and cared for.
Can you imagine
what it would be like to live in a world in which deep
listening was a primary value reflected in relationships
on all levels – among family members, teachers and
students, employers and employees, Republicans with
Democrats, among followers of different religions, among
nations with nations? Clearly, it would be a different
world. It is said that we can only hate that which we do
not understand. The bridge to all understanding is deep
listening – not the ordinary kind in which we pick up
pieces of an echo resounding from the opposite shore. We
have to put down the armor of our fixed opinions,
steadfast beliefs and personal agendas and listen with a
willingness not only to learn, but with a willingness to
change. May we be so blessed with the courage, the
compassion and the consciousness required to grow in our
capacity to listen deeply.
Who knows, my
friends, in the grace of such a commitment, what we
might hear, what we may learn, and who we may become!
~ Denise
© Denise
Bissonnette, October 2004 (If not used for commercial
purposes, this article may be reproduced, all or in
part, providing it is credited to "Denise Bissonnette,
Diversity World - www.diversityworld.com." If included
in a newsletter or other publication, we would
appreciate receiving a copy.)
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