 In
Reflection – How to Keep On Keepin’ On
Dear
Friends and Colleagues,
Although I have veered in recent months from my normal
path, I typically write new articles every other month,
using the “leap month” to respond to questions and
comments from past articles and suggest ideas in
preparation for those upcoming. The theme for the last
three issues has been on How to Keep On Keepin’ On in
the face of challenges and disappointment while in
pursuit of a worthy goal or a life’s dream. For those
who have not yet read those issues, you may want to
review them
in our archives.
Having
received some great comments and inquiries from readers
from the last few issues, I have chosen four of those
questions to respond to which I thought would have the
widest appeal. Enjoy!
Act
your way back into right thinking!
Dear
Denise, I really appreciated your insights with regard
to keeping on when the going gets tough. My question to
you is this: When people feel down and get discouraged,
what’s the best way of helping them change their
negative mindset to a more positive one, so that their
negative attitude doesn’t completely color (and hinder)
the course they are on?
I
appreciate the reader’s question and I think I can
fairly say that no one is exempt from discouragement
when in pursuit of a worthy goal. It truly seems to
come with the territory. It is a recurring theme in my
writing and my teaching, but I believe to the bone that
when faced with discouragement, or even despair, taking
small actions holds the antidote to regaining even the
smallest bits of confidence, hope and faith. When we
are overwhelmed, it is possible to turn the corner and
regain a sense of equilibrium by accomplishing even the
most menial of tasks or the most modest of
achievements. Write the cover letter, iron the shirt,
get the haircut, fill out the expense form, clean out
the desk, weed the garden, edit the resume, mail the
application. Mustering the energy to take the tiniest
step can help us feel grounded again, more sure of
ourselves, and better able to face our challenges.
We’ve
all heard and experienced the truth of the adage “This
too shall pass”. When the going gets tough, however,
the question we need to ask is, “What can small steps
can I take right now to help lift my spirits while I am
allowing this time to pass?” When darkness looms on the
horizon of our mental state, perhaps we can purposely
shed some light by watching a favorite comedy, playing
some uplifting music, or taking a stroll in a beautiful
place. There is a truism from 12-step programs that
says, “You cannot think your way into right action, but
you can act your way into right thinking.”
In
supporting people whose journey is being colored by fear
and discouragement, consider giving them an assignment
that will naturally bring a sense of hope and renew
their faith in possibility. For example, the person who
is discouraged in their job search might benefit from
interviewing three or four people in their field about
how they came to be where they are. I am reminded of a
woman who was struggling with having to file for
bankruptcy, until she was asked to mentor a woman who
was living in a homeless shelter. Within a few days she
saw her situation in a different light and realized that
her life was indeed abundant beyond what she had
previously understood, with or without having to file
bankruptcy! That’s the power of small yet revolutionary
steps … they change our perspective because we are no
longer where we were before we took them, and sometimes,
depending on the steps we take, we are not even who
we were before we took them!
Put into practice what you already know!
Dear
Denise, Thank you for your last three articles on How to
Keep on Keepin’ On as they have been helpful to me as a
counselor, useful to my clients as they pursue their
goals, and insightful for my son as he finishes his
Master’s thesis! Sometimes we get stuck and then wait
around for something new to inspire our initiative,
always looking for the next “trick”, or “program”, or
“miracle technique”. The truth is that the ‘next right
step’, as you called it, is usually pretty obvious, if
we can just muster the energy to take it. I hope your
suggestions help others like me to carry on in the work
we do for so many!
I loved
this reader’s comment and think it is worth reiterating
that in getting “unstuck”, it’s usually not that we
don’t know what to do, it’s that we don’t practice what
we know!
Of
course it is tempting to seek newer, sleeker, sexier
ways of doing what we should be doing, if only to give
ourselves an excuse to procrastinate. However, reading
about all the new workout equipment or watching previews
of the newest Pilates Program, isn’t going to work our
muscles. In the end, we can’t hire anyone to take the
jog for us. - we have to put on our own shoes and head
out the door, if even just around the block. Likewise,
we can’t study ourselves into a new way of being, or
read ourselves into a new way of relating – we have to
shelf the books and put the practices they promote to
work in our lives!
I
remember a story about a minister who gave a
particularly stirring sermon one week to his
congregation for which he received tremendous applause.
So, he gave the same sermon the following week, and the
week after that, and the week after that. Finally, one
of the members of the church spoke up and said,
“Reverend, while that really is a terrific sermon, we’ve
heard the same one now for four weeks in a row! Do you
have anything else you might want to say to us?” The
reverend responded, “Well, I haven’t seen anyone put
into practice what I taught in my original sermon, so
thought maybe you needed to hear it again!”
I think
that most of us know what we need to do in order to move
closer to our goals. We aren’t lacking in know-how as
much as we lack the discipline and the determination of
putting it to use. We need to resist the “waiting game”
– the temptation to wait for permission, perfection,
inspiration, reassurance, more self-confidence, less
fear, less risk, more certainty, or for circumstances to
change – before we take the next good step. Rather than
simmer in the stew of “woulds, shoulds and coulds”, we
just need to walk out on our will into what we already
know.
Make everything count, and measure what you want more
of!
Dear
Denise, While in pursuit of a goal, I really agree with
you that we need to establish a plan or a quota that is
gentle enough to be doable, just ambitious enough to be
inspiring. What do you think of the idea of counting
your “no’s” in order to get closer to the “yes”.. In
other words, putting the rejection into your plan, so
that it doesn’t feel quite so bad. As a job developer
we get a lot more no’s that we get yes’s!?
This
was such an interesting question for me to receive
because it brought me back to my job developer days
when, in fact, I thought that receiving one positive
response in ten was pretty good, and that it worked to
“make the no’s count”. Funny, I think I might have even
written about that in Beyond Traditional Job
Development. I must admit, however, that I no
longer concur with that perspective for a couple of
reasons.
First,
I don’t think that we benefit from the black and white
thinking that comes with a “Yes” or a “No” perspective,
especially since, if we dig a little deeper, we find
that most “no’s” are conditional, not absolute. If an
employer, for example, responds to the question, “Do you
have any employment opportunities available?” by saying,
“No, we don’t”, we can take that at face value, chalk it
up as another “no”, and move on the next employer. But
“no” rarely means “No, not ever!” It usually means,
“Not now”, “Not yet”, or “Perhaps we will at the end of
the summer if our expansion plans come through!”
Furthermore, having no employment opportunities
available right now does not mean that they don’t have
opportunities for internships, mentoring, volunteer, or
work experience. So the first reason I don’t agree
with counting “no’s” is that I think that every action,
every step, can count for some kind of “yes”, even if
it’s not the one we were planning on.
Secondly, I think that in setting goals for ourselves,
we ought to set out measuring what we want more of! As
kids we did this naturally … counting the number of
times we skip the rope, the number of jacks we pick up,
the number of marbles in our bag, and the number of
boxes of Girl Scouts cookies we sell. While discussing
this point, someone recently reminded me that batting
averages in baseball tell us the number of times we hit
the ball, not the percentage of times we didn’t, which
makes a lot of sense - we keep score mostly of what is
good, because that is what we want more of.
When I
was a job developer going out on cold calls to
companies, I set the goal of gathering five new business
cards of people with whom I had met personally and had
made an agreement to talk to or meet with in the near
future. Sometimes I had those five cards in the first
hour, other times it took all afternoon, but I would not
return to the office without those five cards. It was
a system that, for me, was doable yet ambitious. (Of
course, once I had those cards, I had another system in
place for following up on those people within the next
day or two.) Some people thought I was insane with all
my little “systems”, but that’s what worked for me. In
the end, we each have to find the system that, indeed,
is most effective for us. On that note, if counting the
‘no’s works for you, by all means, don’t change it!
Expanding our comfort zones – little by little!
Dear
Denise, I find your newsletters enormously inspiring and
practical – what a combination! I print your articles
and use them in my job search support groups, asking
everyone to find one idea each month that they will use
to expand their comfort zones, even if just a little.
Thank you for providing such a wonderful resource,
personally and professionally!
I loved
this reader’s suggestion and thought it was worth
commenting on. What would it be like if we deliberately
worked to regularly step outside one of our comfort
zones? It sounds so cliché, and yet, it would be
nothing less than life changing. Consider the extent to
which our lives are shaped and fashioned by the
territory we, advertently or inadvertently, stake out
and come to accept as safe and comfortable, whether it
is of an emotional, vocational, social, cultural,
physical, intellectual, and/or spiritual nature. What
new choices would we make, what risks would we be
willing to take, if that territory were to expand, just
a little, every day, every week, or every month?
I
recall listening to author Jack Canfield make the
comparison of an elephant’s training with human comfort
zones. As he describes it, a baby elephant is trained
at birth to be confined to a very small space. Its
trainer will tie its legs with a rope to a wooden post
planted deep in the ground, confining the baby elephant
to an area determined by the length of the rope – the
elephant’s comfort zone. Though the baby elephant will
initially try to break the rope, it learns that the rope
is too strong, and that it has to stay in the area
defined by the length of the rope. When the elephant
grows up into a 5 ton creature that could easily break
the same rope, it doesn’t even try because it learned as
a baby that it couldn’t be done. Can you imagine a
creature as grand and majestic as an elephant restricted
and confined by the smallest rope? But Canfield
suggests that we are not so different than the elephant
in that we narrow our possibilities by accepting the
comfort zones that have been shaped by our limited
beliefs and self-perceptions based on messages we
received and took for granted when we were young.
While
we haven’t been gifted with the brawn of the elephant,
we do have bigger brains. We can become aware of the
myriad ways in which we are limiting ourselves and our
possibilities, through our circumstances, other people’s
influence, cultural or social constraints, and/or our
own narrow ways of thinking, living and relating. What
if we were to gather the forces within ourselves to
become conscious of the ways in which we would like to
expand our comfort zones, and deliberate enough to act
on that consciousness? I, for one, would love to be a
part of any group like the one discussed above in which
I was being held accountable each month to expand the
territory in which I live and to simultaneously support
other people in doing the same. I am honored that
through my writing of this newsletter each month, I am
able to play some small part in such sacred work – the
work of the human spirit!
Wishing
you a glorious summer,
~
Denise
© Denise
Bissonnette, July 2007 (If not used for commercial
purposes, this article may be reproduced, all or in
part, providing it is credited to "Denise Bissonnette,
Diversity World - www.diversityworld.com." If included
in a newsletter or other publication, we would
appreciate receiving a copy.)
Read Denise's
previous (May 2007) newsletter...
We welcome your comments
and feedback on this article!
Please consider
sending us your opinions, perspectives, experiences or
related resources on this topic. Unless you specify
otherwise, your comments and contact information may be
edited/published in a future edition of the True
Livelihood Newsletter.
Email your
comments on this article...
TLN@diversityworld.com
|
